449. Recalibration in Process


Happy New Year!

I had so much fun with my family I need another week to recover. It turns out that there is a general consensus that I have been declining over the course of Q4 ’14 no matter how much I try to cover it up.  I knew the morning I emailed Trainer D with a request to modify the day’s work out from the tone and brevity of his reply that he had a LOT to say but was saving it for verbal delivery.  I was right – essentially Trainer D put his foot down and called me out big time and I thanked him a few weeks later for being brave enough to do so bc I’ve known something is wrong and was relieved that someone intervened.

Here’s an excerpt:

Trainer D:  [You can’t do this anymore. – my paraphrase.]  You can’t just eat legumes.

Me:  I can’t even eat those!  (I can eat some, but even protein-rich plants are difficult for me to digest so I’m supposed to be very careful about my intake.  I fell off the meat bandwagon lately – Daddy is not pleased about this.  I’m still eating some, though!)

Trainer D (fist clenched and face contorted painfully):  You are killing me.  Absolutely.  Killing.  Me.

[And then he went into the thing about how he can’t diagnose, he can only “recommend” that I do XYZ – i.e. consult with Smurfette (his lovely wife J, the dietician).  So I’m working on getting set up to do so formally.  I’m going all out – more so than he originally suggested.  I’m signaling that I’m ready to take this seriously and do whatever I need to do even though I have some major psychological hang ups regarding food from living in the hospital and having a PEG.  Well, I knew I had to do something, otherwise I’d never hear the end of it. :/]

I think Coach R was glad he didn’t have to intervene himself, although he was likely gearing up to do so if necessary.  I said to him between sets:

Trainer D got up in my grill last week.

CMD lectured me on Wednesday.

You wanna boss me around, too, R?  [I double dog dare ya.]

Heh heh.

Just kidding.  I’m actually quite compliant when it comes to treatment, therapy, training, etc.  Well, I try to keep things interesting for the entertainment value but I generally do as I’m told except for taking off my shoes.

Side note:  I took a break from the breathing exercises Trainer D made me promise to start doing bc I had a minor breathing incident a couple weeks ago at the Running Gym.  I got too excited and was unable to manage my air and swallow at the same time.  Shhh….don’t tell my Speech Therapist(s).  I tried to sneak out while Coach R wasn’t looking but he caught me :/. Mommy opined that I need to run slower.  I replied, That’s booooring.  I’m doing much better with the breathing now, though, have slowed down a bit and am being more careful.

So for now I need some more time to recalibrate and see what I need to do differently in 2015.  I plan on being much healthier and stronger ASAP so my raging chi and I will be back in action on Monday Jan 12.  Happy New Year!

Ann Ning Learning How |Nonprofit books on Amazon!

448. Called Out

448.  Called Out

Isn’t this a pretty photo? My friend, KAR took it at her pretty house, at the pretty Christmas Tea, where lots of pretty ladies gathered on Saturday. It went very well, thanks! I was so glad to be there, and to spend time with so many friends I’ve known since birth, and set the record straight about how this situation has impacted me since it’s become clear that many people have been concerned, to say the least.

It was especially wonderful to see my friend Je there with her brand new little babydoll!! And it was absolutely fantastic to finally meet Trainer D’s lovely wife, formerly known as Mrs. Miyagi, but we decided her new name would be Smurfette! She has been Team Tanimal’s dietician for most of 2014 after an email consultation early in my Training career, but her welcome package got lost in translation and I was so glad to give her (another) bracelet of her own so she doesn’t have to borrow D’s.

Speaking of Trainer D, he totally called me out last Friday. The problem: that man has too much data. Now I’m keeping an exercise journal for him, and he does this nerdy thing (one of many) where he tracks my pain levels based on unrelated emails. He’s been reading the signs for months now, but apparently I can no longer argue with him about it or hide it.

Things came to a head last week. CMD was in fine form when we were reunited on Wednesday although she gave me The Eye when I told her I was having trouble eating from the stress etc.  Gen was also concerned, plus she had an agenda she pursued relentlessly that included working on my scapulae, since they are misaligned with my hips big time.  Coach R extracted more information from me regarding the nature of my ailments and has been warily watching me decline for a while, now.  And then on Friday Trainer D got up in my grill about my breathing, we did an utterly hysterical version of Trust Falls while he was trying to teach me a new neuromuscular lunge technique (Nerd Alert!) and strongly suggested I consult with Smurfette regarding my diet. He listed four dangers related to not nourishing your body appropriately, and they were interesting and insightful, but sorry, I can’t tell them to you bc I forgot them already. I was mainly concentrating on the fact that he is clearly ignoring my proposal about having Silent Training Time periodically. But seriously, I’m grateful bc that is why I keep him around. It’s the purpose of Team Tanimal in general, actually.

To clarify, his concern is the quantity, not the quality of my food. I might not be eating enough to sustain my higher level of activity. I have been stressed as we approach year-end. It’s been building since September, really, and although I’ve blocked out many things, I’ve been remembering a lot of sad and harrowing details from our Oregon trip and the early onset of my illness.

I’ve made some incredible physical and emotional gains this year, but I understand now that the emotional gains come at a very real physical cost. The emotional gains I’ve made have been critical to my Recovery, but I’ve taken some real physical hits as a result. That said, I told Coach R a while ago, when I look back on this year, I’d do it all again in a heartbeat. And overall my physical condition is directionally correct – i.e. if it were a graph, the line would be pointing up.

Before we went back to Oregon I was unraveling. I had a heartbreaking conversation with Coach R that went like this:

My scans are clean. I don’t expect anything to happen, but in case it does, what are the procedures in place to take care of it?

Poor Coach R.  I was torturing him unintentionally for at least the first 6 months of Training. But really, I wanted to know bc I didn’t see a crash cart anywhere and I was concerned that I might expire at any moment. I didn’t need to ask Trainer D since we’d already covered that ground conversationally.

The stress has been building for a while now, even though I’ve got nothing like Oregon looming on the horizon. For the past week or so I’ve been uneasy – I know something is wrong.  But let me really clear about this: Ain’t no one gonna die, least of all me. Before Oregon I was very concerned about the dying thing, hence that convo with Coach R. But now I know that my symptoms might act up to the point that I am caught by surprise and flinch in pain or stumble bc I lose my balance badly, but all of this falls into the category of Annoying, not Sign of Imminent Mortal Danger.

The manifestations that come to mind are some tripping incidents at thy gym(s), the need for modifications to the regimens, needing to “run” less intensely, taking unscheduled “rest” days, and loss of appetite and nausea. Oh yeah, and the eyes, dizziness, and body parts in general are getting increasingly uncooperative.

Trainer D actually put two fingers in front of his eyes on Friday and then pointed them to me like, Yeah, I SEE YOU. MM hmm. Animal Muppet’s powers of observation are not to be underestimated.

I want to sustain my higher level of activity bc it is extremely helpful mentally, so it’s time to go on vacation early and get this thing sorted out. So although I had planned this week already I’m signing off today to concentrate on the game plan for this new phase of Recovery. It’s time to recalibrate. 2012 was the beginning of my hemiparesis and when I first realized that my body works very differently now and there were physical consequences to deal with even though learning how to walk was such a blessing. 2013 was when I met CMD, M37 put me through my paces, I started to exercise more and concentrated on learning how to cook and clean. 2014 was a blur – we went to Oregon, Mommy sent me to Boo Boo’s so I wouldn’t die of stress, I transitioned to the Full Disclosure Model with my Trainers, met Gen, made serious gains, took significant hits, and now it’s time to figure out what needs to happen next.

Bye for now!  See you in 2015 🙂 ann|ning