518.  Declaration of Intent

I got sick in 2011 but this journey started more than a decade ago. || I appreciate your prayers, especially now that the urgency of the acute stage has long gone. 2018 was rough – but great, too – God led me to this old Journal entry (I wrote it the night I decided to move to OR to practice saying Yes to God), and He also grew my ability to search the scriptures bc although I have accepted these things as from my Father’s hand, life is still difficult. This Journal Entry was a clear declaration, but when I woke up I was like, *Ummmm….Lord? I didn’t actually mean it THAT MUCH.* But He knew that through the Spirit-led exercise of my cognitive functions I would acknowledge that this makes sense and I would plow ahead trusting His sufficiency. That said, I had no notion that it would hurt this much. I knew theoretically that I’d be disabled for life, but it only hit home recently. The DMV (unbidden) sent me my Permanent Disabled Parking tags and I wept when I saw them. But I am glad to be in the King’s service – and although He has every right to my unquestioning loyalty/service, He is patient, kind, and gentle – He lets me ask all sorts of questions, He doesn’t just make vague statements about His grace – He sent me help, and He acknowledges, as to Elijah, that “the journey is too great for thee.” God never diminishes my grief but equips me for this path that bears the unmistakable imprint of the Divine. I wrote in 2012 that every step is a choice. It still is. And every day still hurts, but not just with the ache of loss – painfully beautiful and wonderful things have happened that I would never have experienced if I had not gotten sick. I’m not great at talking about, or even tolerating the good stuff. But it’s there. Okay, FINE – I’m really bad at talking about it. Or I refuse to talk about it at all. (Don’t worry, this is a recognized “area of growth” for me.) In any case, I’m ready to say goodbye to 2018 and welcome 2019. Happy New Year. #avmsurvivor #strokesurvivor #lifeismysport #learninghowtolive #shreddedgrace

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