518.  Declaration of Intent

I got sick in 2011 but this journey started more than a decade ago. || I appreciate your prayers, especially now that the urgency of the acute stage has long gone. 2018 was rough – but great, too – God led me to this old Journal entry (I wrote it the night I decided to move to OR to practice saying Yes to God), and He also grew my ability to search the scriptures bc although I have accepted these things as from my Father’s hand, life is still difficult. This Journal Entry was a clear declaration, but when I woke up I was like, *Ummmm….Lord? I didn’t actually mean it THAT MUCH.* But He knew that through the Spirit-led exercise of my cognitive functions I would acknowledge that this makes sense and I would plow ahead trusting His sufficiency. That said, I had no notion that it would hurt this much. I knew theoretically that I’d be disabled for life, but it only hit home recently. The DMV (unbidden) sent me my Permanent Disabled Parking tags and I wept when I saw them. But I am glad to be in the King’s service – and although He has every right to my unquestioning loyalty/service, He is patient, kind, and gentle – He lets me ask all sorts of questions, He doesn’t just make vague statements about His grace – He sent me help, and He acknowledges, as to Elijah, that “the journey is too great for thee.” God never diminishes my grief but equips me for this path that bears the unmistakable imprint of the Divine. I wrote in 2012 that every step is a choice. It still is. And every day still hurts, but not just with the ache of loss – painfully beautiful and wonderful things have happened that I would never have experienced if I had not gotten sick. I’m not great at talking about, or even tolerating the good stuff. But it’s there. Okay, FINE – I’m really bad at talking about it. Or I refuse to talk about it at all. (Don’t worry, this is a recognized “area of growth” for me.) In any case, I’m ready to say goodbye to 2018 and welcome 2019. Happy New Year. #avmsurvivor #strokesurvivor #lifeismysport #learninghowtolive #shreddedgrace

5 thoughts on “518.  Declaration of Intent

  1. Ann: SOOOOOOOO glad you shared this chapter of your life!!! I kind of feel in a much less articulate way, like I’m running parallel to you off to the side somewhere with the same goal(s) and fierce determination, and we’re going to eventually cross the finish line and continue on with our work. Your friend, Ricardo

    ________________________________

  2. Ann,

    My AVM stroke occurred in 2013 but I still have “aha” moments like you did. I don’t know that we’ll ever fully accept what happened, but like you I thank God I’m here to appreciate all that He gave me.

    Take care,

    Tim Farrell

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

  3. Your transparency as one who is bowing the knee daily, grieving the loss of expectations, continuing to count Him worthy, having committed all, is a reminder of what light in the Light looks like in the day to day. Thank you for doing what is uncomfortable to remind me today to also bow the knee.

  4. Thank you for writing this. A lot of us have been on rocky journeys during 2018 and still may not know of the ultimate destination. I’m looking forward to 2019 and seeing where my journey takes me.

  5. Thank you. Ning. Thank you for a message to any of us for anytime we struggle with the next phase. The next step. Coming from you the truth about what it means to go where He leads, holds a whole lot of weight. In the end, if the Lord keeps me down here that long, I’ll eventually be in what my grandson calls “the wobbly part”. How will I walk that walk? Grumbling and whining? Having your example… it will be different than what it would be given my default reaction to inconvenience. Thank you for your honest walk of grace through a very hard place.
    With love, as always,
    Mrs. B.

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