The week after we progressed to the no-holding hands during step-ups incident this happened:
To: Coach R
Re: I decided 2 things.
I decided 2 things this morning
- Today is BMTCRD – Be Mean to Coach R Day
- this is in response to how you wouldn’t hold my hand last week (?!?!?!)
- don’t worry – recent attempts have shown that when I’m trying to be scathingly mean people think it’s utterly hilarious
- you should be grateful – EVERY day is Be Mean to Trainer D Day.
See you soon!
This brilliant idea struck me while I was ignoring my multiplying oatmeal and doing my hair. I do some of my best thinking while wielding my hair implements. But I put the iron down long enough to shoot this email off chop chop.
Later that morning during Stretchy Time:
Me: Are you ready for BMTCR Day? I’m punishing you for not holding my hand last week.
Coach R: But you were successful.
Me: Irrelevant. It’s the principle of the thing, R.
Soon after this exchange I had occasion to punish Trainer D, too. I pulled out all the stops. I emailed Smurfette, I hid in the elevator even though D hates it when I don’t take the stairs (I recruited a staffer to be my lookout – his job was to create a diversion in case D approached), and I purchased a special “treat” for him at the grocery store (the broccoli apple puree in the picture at the top.)
I forwarded the email string between me and Smurfette to Coach R as a cautionary tale. “Do not let this happen to you,” I said solemnly.
I saw Trainer D again at the end of the week. I left the banana that was actually rotten at home bc I was feeling magnanimous that day. I thought the one I included with the Broccoli was sufficiently brown. It turns out that man actually LIKES brown bananas. Grrr…. Plus his caloric needs are so great that he delights in whatever I bring him.
I have to ask him how the broccoli tasted. A couple days later, after I had been meaner than usual for a week and made a semi-public example of him, we reached an understanding and called it pax. Or to be more accurate, I decided to stop antagonizing him. We’ll see what the new week brings.
Update: I’m scheduling this on Monday. So far so good. But I can’t make any promises for the rest of the week.