The first time I cried over my situation was around Thanksgiving 2011 – 7-8 months after my AVM rupture and stroke. I had cried only a couple of times specifically over not being able to walk – out of fear/frustration – but this was pure grief, as I realized that this had really happened to me.
I do not do things by halves, and this cry was no exception. We were at Ai Ai and Tim’s and I was sleeping in Hannah’s room during naptime. My iPod had been a great comfort to me in the hospital (I listened with wonder that my playlists were all intact in my “dream”) and I was listening to it with the shades drawn. When “Rescue” by Desperation Band came on the floodgates opened.
I need you, Jesus,
To come to my rescue –
Where else can I go?
There’s no other name
By which I am saved.
Capture me with grace,
I will follow You…
It was ugly. I boo hoo’ed with a sense of urgency and a depth of loss I hadn’t known before. I was so loud Mommy heard the commotion over my baby monitor and came upstairs (followed closely by Tanpo) to check on me.
Ai Ai told me a couple months ago that no one really knew just how confused I was (the true impact of my brain injury) when I first came home since I did such a great job of covering it up. “I was playing along,” I explained. I still do that to some extent – except now I’m not humoring people bc I think this situation is fake, I’m positioning myself because I know this situation is all too real.
The question, “Where else can I go,” speaks to me deeply. The fact that I got sick and am now busy getting better is so much more than being an “inspiration” and a testament to the power of positive thinking. People have told me that I’m both of these things, and I do appreciate those sentiments, but if Recovery depended solely on them I’d be sunk. The timing and severity of my injury were so pointed I took it extremely personally – my feelings were hurt (understatement). I did not need a new strategy for living. I needed Words of Life. And that’s what I got.
Yes. Though positive thinking has its place, there are times we just can’t pull ourselves “up by our bootstraps” and need an outside source, namely the Lord… and it’s amazing that He wants to be that involved in our lives *all* the time, not just when we realize we need Him.
You’re keeping it real! Hugs.