A few weeks ago I went downtown with my friends to see the Nat’l Christmas Tree. It was the first time I have gone out with friends at night and since there was a lot of walking we brought Jack the Transport Chair. It worked out great because my friends know I’ve got a safe place to be, I get to rest, and they park my chair with the strollers so their children can entertain me during breaks. Wheelchair handling is not a skill any of my friends practice professionally, but they do what I do and learn on the fly. The results are often hilarious given our personalities.
Example: we were crossing a busy intersection and as we plowed through the crosswalk KAR (my driver) called to me over the din of traffic, “Don’t be afraid, Ning!”
I guess you have to know KAR – but many of you do – and imagine it in her voice, which makes it 10x funnier. It was also funny bc I was obviously not afraid. I was hanging on to Jack’s arm because I was laughing so hard and didn’t want to fall out, and I took a few pics on my phone while we were in motion.
But KAR’s admonition made me recall a more serious time. I was only 5 years old and my brother Ernie was 13. He was going to have his 2nd heart surgery (he had his first when he was 5 or 6, PS he’s very fit now – good thing, bc his children require high-energy interaction), and was older and able to absorb and be concerned about the risks of the procedure, blood transfusions, etc. I have no idea how he and my parents handled it. I’ve actually never discussed it with Boo Boo – I wonder if she fully understood what was going on. Anyway, I was only 5 but Tanpo’s parting words to Ernie as the team wheeled him down the hall are seared in my memory. Ernie went straight from his room to the OR and after his bed passed through the doorway and he was rolling away my dad stepped into the hall, cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted, “Don’t be afraid, Ernie!”
I think Dad also quoted a verse from a Psalm we had just read but I don’t remember that part. All I recall is that what Daddy wanted Ernie to remember was to not be afraid. (Sniff.)
I haven’t been feeling great lately. I’ve had more pain, I’ve wanted to sleep a lot, and I’ve lost my appetite. That’s why I haven’t posted any recipes in a while – I don’t want to eat and I haven’t been able to stand up to cook. I’m feeling better today, though! CMD poked me in the back yesterday and gave me some new herbs. So I think this is the upswing.
Last week I was in the kitchen and Mommy was talking to me about why I wasn’t feeling well. “Are you anxious about something?” she asked.
I was playing with the food on my plate but when she asked this I burst into tears. (There was no prologue – just WAH!!!)
Remember how I said in yesterday’s post that I’m “strangely more relaxed?” Well, that’s probably about 80-90% of the time. I’ve had plenty of time to think about this and I know that control doesn’t lie with me, so the pressure’s off. But I’m wired to like it when I can control things so this exercise (of Recovery) really goes against the grain. I’m not interested in the suppression of my feelings – yes, suppression can allow me to be functional, but it won’t be sustainable in the long run – I’m going for complete transformation so I don’t have to worry about them anymore.
Apparently the execution phase of my plan is not rock-solid as yet. It’s like when I mentioned how I want this to be “effortless” – Caution: This is a work zone. Psychosomatic symptoms have likely been building up for several weeks now. As my books have finally been published etc. I’ve been glad bc this is what I’ve been aiming for but this event also signifies that this thing really happened to me – my old life is gone and so are what were my future prospects.
I mean, yes – I know this happened – I’ve been sure about it since summer 2011, but acceptance and the understanding of long-term impact is a work-in-progress. Traveling and the development of new wrinkles in my physical condition have also put me more off-balance than usual. But I know what to do about this – renewed enthusiasm for the Listener’s QT and Prayer Detox is already providing immediate relief. Like the lady in Proverbs 31, I want to smile at the future.
Proverbs 31.25 “Strength and dignity are her clothing, And she smiles at the future.” (NASB)
2 Timothy 1.7 “For God hath not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and of a sound mind.” (KJV)