148. WAH!

Post AVM Deficits Stink || Ann Ning Learning How

This is one of the saddest pictures ever.  I drew it on 10.22.11, the night Mommy told me she had noticed I was avoiding the piano and I needed to practice even though I didn’t enjoy it anymore.  I scrounged around and found a notebook and pen on my nightstand and I drew myself crying and dragging my little lead heart balloon on the floor.  I used to imagine it fluttering in the wind with the string allowing it to hang outside the car as we drove along.  I also pictured it hanging off of the treadmill’s railings as I did my duty in between sessions at The Place.  This was after God made me okay with the fact that He had put me in a wheel chair instead of sending me to the mission field, but I was still really unhappy about my impairments, the discordant piano-playing being a particularly difficult one for me to stomach.

I’m still unhappy with my impairments but I’ve got a heart full of joy overall – it just took a while for my heart balloon to inflate.  It’s bigger than it used to be, and more resilient than I thought it was.  I’m returning to the piano bench at church tomorrow and would appreciate your prayers, if you think of it.  All along I’ve been assuming that I will be able to make it on and off the bench, and stay on without incident, but this is a pretty big assumption.  My motor skills are still jumpy and my eyes are better but it is still a real fight to keep them open while playing.  And I need to look at the music and my hands a lot – but switching in-between really increases the chances of my getting Cookie Monster (googly) eyes and losing my place.  I need the visual cues, though, because although I can play by ear sometimes (as in “I’m Taking Requests”), I lack the skill to do this on demand and must use some sheet music as a guide to keep me in tune with the organist and so I don’t play too high or too low for people to sing along.

But things have really changed since I drew that picture above.  I wrote Ed Goes to DC very quickly – I think it only took two days for me to rig up the pictures (I used internet images for draft 1 and then roped my friends into taking touristy shots of DC for the final version) after my brother gave me that pep talk after I lost my job and suggested that I try writing children’s books.  I was like, Okay – Ed would LOVE to be in a book.  And the story just came out of me – and of course, the most natural place for Frank to be was at home on the piano.

I haven’t really thought about playing on Sunday – I’ve done this for over 15 years (yes, I’m that old) and I’ve played a handful of times for a group since getting sick, so I really shouldn’t be nervous.  But I am (a little)…and I’ll let you know how it goes next week.

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6 thoughts on “148. WAH!

  1. Hi Ning, thank you for your daily blogs which I look forward to reading everyday.I have just played your piano pieces which uncle S. Sin and I enjoyed listening. Absolutely beautiful especially ‘He leadeth me.” Thank you for sharing all your activities and thoughts. We have every confidence you will play more than beautifully tomorrow. I like the picture above. Though it is sad but it is artistic and expressive. You are truly gifted in multiple ways. So proud of you.
    Sending hugs from here.
    All our Love & Prayers,
    Uncle Shih Sin & Aunty Peng Leaxx

  2. So, it’s taken me a few days to comment on this post because…it makes me sad!! But happy, too. Especially the part where you say, “…but I’ve got a heart full of joy overall.” THAT’s a testament of God’s grace and the joy of the Lord being your strength. (Neh 8:10b) I’m so very thankful for that, Ning, and that you’re able to write about all of this. As for Ed Goes to DC, I remember when you were working on that up in H’s room last summer – it took you no time at all. Maybe you’ll be able to write about Ed’s next adventure this summer? 🙂 Love you!

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