143. How I Know…

How I know Post AVM life will be okay

If I wanted to get something on the other side of the room or do something else equally naughty when I was supposed to be napping I had to scoot around on the floor before I could walk. Naptime being b-o-r-i-n-g I did this more often than I have ever told Mommy (until now). I would lower myself to the floor (good thing I convinced Mommy to leave one side of my bed open – the other side had a toddler-don’t-fall-out-of-the-big boy/girl-bed guard) using my arms. One day I reached the floor and paused to look behind me at Ed, who was leaning sedately against the bed guard. “Ed, we have SO reached the point of no return,” I told him.

And we have. Actually, we reached the point of no return when my brain first bled, it’s just taken me a while to admit it. Well, we’re officially 2 years in and while 2 years really isn’t that long I understand now that the fact that it feels excruciatingly longer doesn’t make the time go faster – we’re just rolling slowly but inexorably forward – to what, I don’t know. But I believe it’s going to be good.

Side note: yes, we’re moving forward, but I acknowledge that there is a possibility of moving backwards, too. Examples include when my leg went crazy last summer and how I’m learning to manage my new back issues. There are many other more serious issues my friends are dealing with, so I’m thankful for the measure of health I have and pray for the grace for all of us to learn how to make lemonade, lemon bars, or lemon meringue pie with whatever yellow citrus fruit is rolling around in life’s fridge.

How do I know it’s going to be good? A year ago I was a raging mess leading up to Ed’s birthday. I’m talking about messy to the point where I had to get my sisters to take me to Tiffany & Co. to console myself. (I got the dove above. Her name is Aunt Betsy, my favorite character from David Copperfield. Although, Pegotty is a close second.) I cried at random for a few weeks and here’s an excerpt from Learning How to Wait:

…I have asked if “this” wasn’t enough, but I realized that it’s God’s prerogative to work in my life, not only in a “He’s in charge, so get used to it,” sort of way, but because if He asks me to do something, or not do something, and I think it’s completely awful, it’s because He knows I’m tougher than I think, and I can handle it, and/or He is going to give me a supernatural infusion of grace which will make it all okay. As Ed’s Birthday approached and my blood-pressure skyrocketed as I remembered all the things I didn’t want to remember from the past year, I was visibly sad and Mom didn’t know what to do for me as I boo-hooed around the house. One day was a particular low point, so I wandered off to compose myself in the hallway or on the sofa before rejoining Mom in the kitchen. When I sat back down she asked me if I was okay. “Yes, Mom, this is all going to be okay. Do you know why?” She proffered the desired question. “Because God’s not going to leave me hanging.” I announced my revelation triumphantly, and resumed teatime. And He won’t.

There was no audible voice or writing in the sky, although these things would have been fabulous. I just had a sense of assurance that gave me peace. Now I’ve got one of my favorite verses to take to the spiritual bank:

Romans 8.32 He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?

I finally updated my prayer requests – I’ll try to do this on a more regular basis – thank you for praying for me!!

Other ways I have celebrated with Jewelry:

5 thoughts on “143. How I Know…

  1. Congratulations on 2 years, Ning! We continue to be so proud of you and are here, cheering you on…and thankful for the Lord’s grace that shines through your story. Thankful, too, for His peace that nothing (even perfect health) in this world can give. Sending hugs and love from your Charlotte Fanclub! 🙂

  2. Well done dearest niece Ning. We are so very proud of you. You have been our strength, encouragement and inspiration. Your blogs is my daily bread. Congratulations on your 2nd anniversary. We give Honour, Glory, Praise and Thanks to our Lord Jesus for you and for everything, everyday.
    Love & Hugs to you from the Chai family in London & Calgaryxxxxxx

  3. I think I might be doing some ‘older posts’ reading after seeing that excerpt from last year. As the always classy Virginia Slims motto goes, “You’ve come a long way, baby!” I won’t stop praying for miraculous progress in this next year!

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