My walking partner and cubicle-neighbor (across the aisle) came to visit me in the 2nd Hospital. It must have been early May and I was still very much bedridden, floating in and out of lucidity. One thing I remember clearly is that she leaned over, looked me in the eye and informed me that I needed to be “thoroughly movie-ready” by July. We had seen the first part of the 7th Harry Potter film together, and had planned to see the second part that summer.
I was not ready by July. I did, however, venture to the theater in August, and watched the movie with Mommy. I told her it was only an HP movie or a new Jane Austen flick that could have tempted me to navigate a new (and dark) public place with my walker. It was one of the first times I brought the walker out in public. Good thing most of the outing consisted of sitting.
So I missed the target timeline by a couple of months and a few thousand miles since we had intended to go to the theater near my apartment in OR but I ended up going to the movies in MD. I didn’t go as soon as I wanted to but I went. Timelines seem to be meant to be broken by me. I’ve actually decided to throw out the recovery timeline entirely lately.
I’ve heard several people say, “recovery never ends.” At first I was like, Oh, I hope they’re kidding, because I thought that a lifetime of what I considered to be drudgery looked exceedingly bleak. But as this situation has stretched out longer and longer I’ve grown to be thankful that I’m not “on the clock.” What I mean is that I do not have X months or years to get better and when I pass that point in time I will have regained whatever I’m going to regain and that’s it. If I was working on that understanding I’m sure the time leading up to X months/years would have been blood-pressure elevating to say the least.
So I’m actually thankful to be in the “wait and see” place I’m in. Yes, there’s a lot of uncertainty, but that means there is a lot of room for improvement. So I’m working hard, hoping I will see good results, but if that improvement has to be miraculous, so be it. That’s not a problem. I have to say, though, that as wonderful as a miraculous overnight healing would be, it’s no longer what I need. Too much has happened – e.g. I lost my apartment, job and car. (FYI this is not a boo-hoo statement, it’s just a fact that my apartment has been rented out, my car has been sold, and my employment terminated, and I can’t think of another way to say it.) So physical healing would relieve me in a wonderful way, but I could not resume my old life even if I wanted to.
The “Search and Rescue” portion of my personal natural disaster is over. I was rescued by the surgeon who did my craniotomy and the staff at several hospitals who taught me how to live again. I knew from the beginning, though, that God’s the one who is the real giver of life so I did some serious searching to see if I could come to terms with the fact that He took my old life and gave me a new one that I wasn’t happy with. I did fulfill the promise, “seek and ye shall find,” and so my seeking period is over. So the next step in my natural disaster analogy would be “Search and Recovery,” except that in my case, my searching is done, so I’m going to change the phrase to “Praise and Recovery.” I think I’d be happier if I praised God for what He’s done in the past and the things I know He’ll do in the future. Recovery is my new lifestyle – I want praise to be my new lifestyle, too.