Before I purchased Cliff the Treadmill I consulted PT6 to make sure it was a good and safe thing for me to practice my walking on. He supported my Treadmill Proposal, saying it would be good for my “reciprocal gait.” I pretended like I knew what he meant and we moved on to my next question…the one I had been rehearsing in my head for a week.
“It’s okay if the answer is ‘no’ – I know what to do,” I prefaced it, “But do you think I’ll get back to where I was physically?” I forget if the answer was definitive, but it was tinged with “no.” When I said, “I know what to do,” I meant that regardless of the answer I knew I was going to have to ask God to make me move better. I was just trying to size my request – was it going to be big or not so big? Given PT6’s answer I was like, Okay, I guess we’re going big.I lost no time in sharing my prayer request. That Sunday I was sitting on Willow (my rollator, the rolling walker) and JLSS passed by. I told her about my recent conversation with PT6 and his opinion and announced simply, “I find that to be unacceptable.” Given that over a year has passed and I’ve collected several other opinions in the last week that trend to “no,” I’m a little closer to acceptance.
You can see that this is a work in progress for me. In the space of one month I’ve revised what I think about this situation (see Post 26. Interpretation). Overall I think it’s fair to say that it’s medically likely that my gait will always be different. I avoid using the language of certainty as a rule. I suppose this is a prudent practice since the laws of physicality are inconsequential to God.
If you’ve been wondering (like me) why this recovery is taking so long, I found out recently that they had to remove a large chunk of my cerebellum. I have understood since this summer that some of it was taken out, but not how much. It was more than I thought – but I won’t put a number to it. In any case, God’s presence in my situation renders this extra information immaterial. **Update April 2014: I went back to OR and saw Dr. Dogan (my surgeon) for the first time in 3 years. Apparently my cerebellum wasn’t all that excised. (Me: then WHY is this taking SO LONG?!?!?!) I guess my MRI just looks weird and it’s safe to say that the damage was significant.
I have not entered the realm of “physical impossibility,” but a phrase I heard this past week really spoke to me: “the research shows…” (that my walk might look like this in the future more than I thought – that’s my summary). That’s a really good phrase, I think. Because it’s an indisputable fact that “the research shows…” – it’s up to you to apply it to your situation. I would dearly love to be an outlier in that research. But I think we’re going to have to wait and see.