60. It’s okay if the answer’s “No.”

This is the kind of "outlier" I'd like to be.

This is the kind of “outlier” I’d like to be.

Before I purchased Cliff the Treadmill I consulted PT6 to make sure it was a good and safe thing for me to practice my walking on.  He supported my Treadmill Proposal, saying it would be good for my “reciprocal gait.”  I pretended like I knew what he meant and we moved on to my next question…the one I had been rehearsing in my head for a week.

“It’s okay if the answer is ‘no’ – I know what to do,” I prefaced it, “But do you think I’ll get back to where I was physically?”  I forget if the answer was definitive, but it was tinged with “no.”  When I said, “I know what to do,” I meant that regardless of the answer I knew I was going to have to ask God to make me move better.  I was just trying to size my request – was it going to be big or not so big?  Given PT6’s answer I was like, Okay, I guess we’re going big.I lost no time in sharing my prayer request.  That Sunday I was sitting on Willow (my rollator, the rolling walker) and JLSS passed by.  I told her about my recent conversation with PT6 and his opinion and announced simply, “I find that to be unacceptable.” Given that over a year has passed and I’ve collected several other opinions in the last week that trend to “no,” I’m a little closer to acceptance.

You can see that this is a work in progress for me.  In the space of one month I’ve revised what I think about this situation (see Post 26.  Interpretation).  Overall I think it’s fair to say that it’s medically likely that my gait will always be different.  I avoid using the language of certainty as a rule. I suppose this is a prudent practice since the laws of physicality are inconsequential to God.

If you’ve been wondering (like me) why this recovery is taking so long, I found out recently that they had to remove a large chunk of my cerebellum.  I have understood since this summer that some of it was taken out, but not how much.  It was more than I thought – but I won’t put a number to it.  In any case, God’s presence in my situation renders this extra information immaterial.  **Update April 2014:  I went back to OR and saw Dr. Dogan (my surgeon) for the first time in 3 years.  Apparently my cerebellum wasn’t all that excised.  (Me:  then WHY is this taking SO LONG?!?!?!)  I guess my MRI just looks weird and it’s safe to say that the damage was significant.  

I have not entered the realm of “physical impossibility,” but a phrase I heard this past week really spoke to me:  “the research shows…” (that my walk might look like this in the future more than I thought – that’s my summary).  That’s a really good phrase, I think.  Because it’s an indisputable fact that “the research shows…” – it’s up to you to apply it to your situation.  I would dearly love to be an outlier in that research.  But I think we’re going to have to wait and see.